Back Talking

We’ve all heard about it, that moment when the sweet wonderful girl turns into what seems to be pure evil. All of a sudden it seems that she hates you and nothing you do as a parent is ever right. Guess what…this is NORMAL! I’m sure, if you look back, you did the same thing with your parents. I know I did with mine!

Talking back is a way of asserting power. Teenagers are in the development stage of testing out independence. This means that they are seeing what they can do on their own, without YOUR help. They are testing out ideas that they hear from other kids or adults. Some of them are “good” and some are “bad” and THEY are figuring out which is which.

It’s hard to realize that your beautiful 5 year old daughter is striking out on her own when she’s only 12 or 13. We as parents tend to speak to our children as just that…CHILDREN, when in fact they are just young PEOPLE.

• How would the conversation look if you saw your daughter as just another person instead of your “child”?
• What would happen if, instead of having to assert independence and power, it could be acknowledged?
• What if it were a given that your teenager had viable and real ideas?
• What would that conversation look like and how would life be different?

Kids just want to be seen and heard. They want to KNOW they are important. They want to know that what they think and do is valuable. They want to present scenarios and discuss them to find out what’s wild and crazy and what might just be a brilliant, world changing thing. (And by world changing, it could be just their world or the whole of the world.)

How would you react if your boss never let you discuss an innovative idea you had that would save the company money? How would you react if your boss said, “I don’t care that your closest friend is contemplating (or has) committed suicide! Just do your work on time and perfectly!” It’s hard to have a conversation with someone who is telling you to “do what I say because I said so.” It’s hard to be willing to share ideas with someone who tells you your ideas are crazy and out of reach.

This is how your teenage daughter views you when you say, “Just go clean your room NOW!” or “There is NO WAY that’s happening!” Is it any wonder they shout back?

It really is amazing what happens when you allow some time to sit and acknowledge their power and independence. When you can look at them and say, “Yes, you can make intelligent decisions.” When you give them the chance to discuss their ideas, fears, struggles, wonder, and inspiration without telling them how wrong or crazy the ideas, fears struggles, wonder and inspirations are!

It’s amazing what can happen if you base your conversation in experience instead of absolutes. “Hmm, that’s an interesting idea. MY FEAR in that is ‘x’. MY CONCERN with that is ‘y’. What do you think?” It’s so much fun to watch as they contemplate your past experience into their ideas and come up with a decision. It may not be the one you want, but at least you’ll know that they have considered your point of view in their process and they have a clear idea of any pitfalls you have brought up.

I challenge you to stop yourself from reacting when your daughter snips back at you. Take a look at what happened immediately preceding the back talk. Was there an opportunity to step back from being the Overlord and step into the role of Wizened Jedi Teacher? I wonder if you can open yourself up to the fact that you have an AMAZING daughter who has INCREDIBLE dreams and ideas that are just waiting to be nurtured. I wonder if you can accept that these dreams and ideas may have NOTHING to do with your dreams and ideas. I wonder if you can nurture her’s in spite of that.